


my love (i'm trying)

by cricketcheesecake



Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: First Time, Fluff, His first semester at (redacted) with Tanner, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sebastian's POV bc i love that guy so freakin much, Smut, found family yo!, sebastian's mom has some apologizing to do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-04 12:04:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18604174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cricketcheesecake/pseuds/cricketcheesecake
Summary: In a surreal series of events, his leaving Utah mirrored what he’d always imagined it to be. The only differences: Tanner’s parents were the ones who drove him to the airport, not his, and he wasn’t headed to Cleveland.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So I read this book and couldn't get it out of my head. A few notes: 1) I am not religious, so I tried to be both respectful and also critical of the LDS church that felt canonically appropriate to the book. 2) Because it isn't overtly clear in the text, they have safe sex (meaning they've been tested before having sex, etc.), so you should do the same!, and 3) I wanted to include a brief subplot of Sebastian meeting this new friend in LA because I wanted to suggest that not only does Sebastian find happiness with Tanner in his future, but he also forms long-lasting and platonic friendships with other people that helps him really give him a stable foundation outside both his family and the LDS church. 
> 
> I hope you all like it!

He transfers to UCLA. 

 

_Because of course I do_ , Sebastian thinks, trying to control his breathing at the LAX airport. The people surge around him like masses of fish, or flocks of birds; he feels like a rock in a stream, frozen with fear. Fear about moving to a city like LA, when all he’d known was Utah, and Provo, and LDS, and rinse and repeat. But, also, there was the fear that Tanner was going to get tired of him. Because he’s not OK. But he’s _trying_. 

 

In a surreal series of events, his leaving Utah mirrored what he’d always imagined it to be. The only differences: Tanner’s parents were the ones who drove him to the airport, not his, and he wasn’t headed to Cleveland. 

 

A hand suddenly came down on his shoulder, and he flinched. Turning around, he came face-to-face with a prominent Adam’s apple, and _up_ , a wide grin, and _up_ , a wrinkled nose and sparkling brown eyes, and _up_ , soft hair he’s touched before, grabbed before, and—

 

Tanner. 

 

Sebastian blinks up at him, rapidly, and Tanner (Tanner, _beautiful_ Tanner) understands how big this moment is. How scary it is for him. Sebastian is acutely aware of Tanner reaching up to smooth a lock of hair out of his eyes, and he takes a shaky inhale, smelling the coconut of Tanner’s shampoo and the Chinese food on Tanner’s breath.

 

“Hello, my love,” Tanner says, quietly. 

 

Sebastian feels a hysterical, happy, overwhelmed sob-laugh claw its way up his throat, and because it’s so loud in this airport and because it’s _Tanner_ , he lets it out. 

 

Tanner’s face gets all mushy and morphs into a soft, tender smile, and he gathers Sebastian up into his long arms. Sebastian exhales against Tanner’s neck, arms traveling up to grip Tanner’s shoulders, awkwardly. He is, of course, so very aware that they’re in public, but he’s trying. 

 

_God wants His children to be happy_ , he thinks, _and I’m trying_. 

 

———————

 

Sebastian ends up in Sproul Hall, which is disappointing because 1) it isn’t as nice as Tanner’s residence hall, and 2) it isn’t Tanner’s residence hall. 

 

Tanner leans down and whispers into Sebastian’s ear, “Our halls are next to each other,” and he makes it sound tantalizing. They’d already finished unpacking Sebastian’s belongings, and now they were standing together, pretending to look out the window. 

 

“I wish I was your roommate,” Sebastian says, and feels his face burn right after he says it. 

 

“I wish you were, too,” Tanner says, quickly, not giving Sebastian enough time to feel embarrassed. He smooths a hand down Sebastian’s back, firmly, and Sebastian can almost hear what he’s trying to convey with that touch. _It’s okay to want me. It’s normal._

 

Just as Sebastian’s leant back against Tanner’s chest, relaxing in the feeling of his boyfriend’s arms around him and trying to ignore the nagging guilt over not unpacking his Bible yet, the dorm room door bangs open. 

 

Sebastian straightens, but resists the urge to completely bolt to the other side of the room. He knows Tanner’s pleased about this, even though he isn’t looking at him. 

 

Instead, he’s looking at the girl who’s just walked in. She’s tall, taller than Sebastian, with dark brown skin, light blue dreadlocks, and a fleet of medium pink suitcases trailing behind her. 

 

She smiles, abandoning the suitcases at the door and walking over to them with a hand outstretched. “Which one of you is Sebastian?”

 

Sebastian shakes her hand firmly, the handshake he's been practicing since middle school, and tries to keep his brow from furrowing. “That’s me.” A pause. “You’re Wyatt?”

 

“I’m Wyatt,” she says. “We’re going to have a motherfuckin' blast, dude.” 

 

——————

 

January bleeds into February, which bleeds into March, and soon, Sebastian’s first semester at UCLA is over halfway over. He’d be lying if he said this wasn’t the happiest he’s ever been, even including the semester he fell in love with Tanner. 

 

Here, they were falling in love all over again, and this time, it never hurts. (Except when it does).

 

Wyatt attached herself to his hip after the first day, and he realizes that he’s never had a best friend, besides Tanner. He’d had tons of friends, church friends, in Provo, but it had been too nerve-wracking to let people get close. Close enough to sniff out that he was attracted to guys. _No_ , he corrects himself. _That I’m gay_. 

 

But Wyatt never meets straight-Sebastian. She just meets Sebastian, from the very beginning, with his boyfriend a comforting presence at his side. She’s funny, bisexual, foul-mouthed, and accepts him in a way that seems so innate to her. Her favorite book series is Lord of the Rings, and when she tells him she loved his book, he glows with the praise. 

 

Wyatt was raised atheist in San Francisco by a single father, her experiences so different to his that it almost seems implausible for them to become best friends. 

 

But they do, and her and Tanner’s constant company are almost enough to distract him from the fact that he still hasn’t heard from his family. 

 

He hasn’t looked into a church in LA to try attending yet, though Tanner has done some research on his behalf. In fact, Tanner had printed out a list of LGBT-based churches within walking distance and had placed it silently on Sebastian’s desk, and even though Sebastian hadn’t been ready, he’d loved that Tanner had did that for him. He’d tried to hide it, but not going to church had been wearing on him, and Tanner had seen right through his facade.

 

_It’s because he loves you_ , he thinks, letting the words settle softly into his stomach. 

 

Going to church still feels like a family affair, and going to a new church alone feels sacrilegious. He’d called his mother every Sunday at exactly 5 p.m. for the first two months, because he knew that’s when she’d be cooking dinner alone and that’s when he missed her the most, but he’d get her voice mail every time. He’d texted Lizzy once a day for the first week before giving up. He’d thought about writing a letter to his father, but he could never make himself get out a pen. 

 

With his and Tanner’s legs tangled together, lying on Tanner’s bed with Ryker MIA for the weekend, Sebastian tells him about his family. About to throw up the khao soi he just ate, he tells Tanner that his family doesn’t want anything to do with him. 

 

He can feel Tanner’s eyes on him, heavy with their sympathy. Sebastian blurts out, “They’ve cut me out, like they don’t even miss me at all. They just cut me off, and they have the house, and the church, and our friends, and my grandparents, and Lizzy, and Faith, and Aaron, and—” he’s hyperventilating now, dimly aware of Tanner setting his own food down on the floor and putting both his hands on his shoulders, “—they can’t even return my calls, or even text me to tell me they think about me or hope I’m not dead. I—I, Tanner—“

 

Tanner cuts him off, because Sebastian had wanted him to, had begged him to without saying anything, and Sebastian pushes his face against Tanner’s Janelle Monae t-shirt and cries, and cries, and cries. His fingers are clutching the fabric so tightly that he stops being able to feel his fingers, and Tanner is speaking a steady stream of words into his hair.

 

_I love you, so much_ , and _I will never let you go_ , and _I would do anything to make them see how wonderful you are_ , and _Let it out, my love, let it out_. 

 

When he finally settles, his eyes sore and Tanner’s shirt absolutely soaked, Tanner keeps him close, and Sebastian lets Tanner’s words seep into his bones. Quietly, he says, “I like it when you call me that.”

 

Tanner takes a breath underneath Sebastian’s cheek. “My love?”

 

Sebastian shivers. “Yeah.”

 

“I’ll always love you,” Tanner says, combing his fingers through Sebastian’s hair and scratching his scalp, and tears prick at Sebastian’s eyes even though he’s pretty sure he cried himself dry. “My thoughts are consumed by you, and Wyatt thinks you’re the best person in America. I know we aren’t a replacement for your family, and we aren’t trying to be, but—” he pauses, “—Ineed you to know how loved you are. Your family will come around, but it might take a while. But in the meantime, Wyatt loves you like a sister, and I love you like you’re my religion, and you are never alone with us here.”

 

There is a thick silence, filled with Sebastian processing his words and Tanner retracing what he’d said. After a beat, Tanner says, “I hope that last part wasn’t offensive.”

 

Sebastian laughs, a croaky and pathetic sound. He peers up at Tanner, and he _hears_ what Tanner said. Every word. 

 

_ I'm not alone.  _

 

—————————

 

It is late on a Saturday night, and they are once again in Tanner’s dorm. Alone. They can hear the light splashing of rain hitting the window, streaking dark glass. 

 

_I am living a fantasy_ , Sebastian thinks, his mind a haze of lust and hunger as Tanner arches over him, long lines and bright eyes. They just have a couple candles lit on the bedside table, and Tanner’s skin looks orange and flawless in the light. Tanner’s left hand is shiny as he curls his body over and around Sebastian’s trembling one.

 

Slowly, staring deep into Sebastian’s eyes, Tanner uses the back of his hand to gently nudge Sebastian’s right leg up higher. They’re naked, _we're naked_ , he can feel Tanner hot against his thigh, and his stomach clenches. He knows his entire face and chest are dark pink because of the blush he’s been sporting for the past half hour. He wants to close his eyes, can feel the sweat dripping into his eyes and, as Tanner’s fingers disappear lower, brushing against him and pushing into him, he keens so loudly that he almost scares himself. Tanner grips his hair tighter in his right hand, whispering nonsensical comforts into his ear as his wrist, barely visible between Sebastian’s open thighs, twists and moves. Sebastian pants, looking at Tanner and knowing, by Tanner’s expression, that his eyes look as wild and wondrous as he feels inside. Tanner’s fingers are working him open, and it feels _so good_ , and Sebastian closes his eyes, tipping his head back and making choked-off sounds as his hips jerk down towards what Tanner’s doing to him. 

 

He has a surreal memory that sluggishly rises to the front of his mind, as the tip of one of Tanner’s fingers brushes a place inside him that has him burying his face in Tanner’s neck and moaning. The memory is him, when he was fourteen years old. He’s lying on his bed in Provo, back pressed flat against the mattress, hands tucked at his sides and eyes staring up at the dark ceiling. He’s thinking about Layton, one of the boys he knows from church, and his breathing is shallow. He wants to touch himself, and have Layton touch him in ways he didn’t even know how to think about. He wants to touch himself, and think of Layton while he does it, but he doesn’t. 

 

Now, Tanner is shifting over him, and Sebastian wraps his legs around Tanner’s waist, baring his neck for Tanner to suck, and he feels like laughing. 

 

Tanner peers down at him, his arms bracketing Sebastian’s head, and asks, “Are you ready?”

 

_Yes_ , _yes, YES_ , Sebastian chants, in his mind and out his mouth, wrapping his arms around Tanner’s neck and using his heels to press Tanner’s hips forward. 

 

Slowly, using that left hand, Tanner eases himself inside, and Sebastian is gasping and panting, his head turned toward the wall, just feeling the stretch and relishing the freedom of _getting_ to feel it. He hears Tanner’s punched-out gasp as his hips finally settle against his, and he waits. Sebastian groans, “Do it. Please. I want it, _please_ , I—”

 

And Tanner starts moving, rocking into him, sliding out of him, and Sebastian’s lungs overflow with air. One of Tanner’s large hands grips his waist, and after a few mindless moments, Sebastian realizes he’s talking to him. 

 

“What?”

 

Tanner smiles breathlessly. “Let me shift you a little.”

 

“Oh. O-Okay.” 

 

He lets Tanner move him around, pushing his hips up higher until his right knee is pressing against the wall and his left is held close to his head. He is viscerally aware that Tanner has done this several times before, even if it was with a different gender, and it only makes his face burn more. Tanner slides back in, and presses right against that spot, and Sebastian tenses and clenches, white hot pleasure curling in the pit of his stomach as he nips at Tanner’s ear. 

 

They rock together, moving and grinding and rutting, making _love_ , and Sebastian wants to laugh and cry at the same time. Another memory teases the back of his mind, as Tanner reaches down and curls a hand around Sebastian, heavy and leaking. This memory is recent, when he and Tanner went to the no-access road and laid on the hood of Tanner’s car, and he came for the first time in his entire life. It had barely taken any time, with Tanner’s hand shoved down his jeans and fingers wrapped tightly around that part of himself he’d never dared touch. He’d known other boys at the church masturbated sometimes, but they would think of girls when they came, and he’d never wanted to approach the uncomfortable truth of it all: he wouldn’t think of girls. 

 

Now, he stopped thinking much of anything when Tanner’s hips started moving faster, and Sebastian’s back felt hot and sweaty as the friction got too intense. Tanner was gliding his grip up and down just like he had that night on the hood of the car, and Sebastian felt like this was a new type of revelation. Tanner was worshipping him, touching him and holding him and thrusting into him, and Sebastian was worshipping Tanner, sweeping his hands up and down the expanse of his back and feeling the muscles move as Tanner worked in and out of his body. 

 

With deep moan, Tanner pitched forward, biting Sebastian’s neck as his hips jerked forward harshly, once, twice. He keeps grinding forward, his hand never breaking its rhythm, and when Sebastian comes, it’s accompanied by a sob. He buries his head in Tanner’s neck and jerks helplessly underneath his boyfriend’s weight, feeling hot pleasure grip him inside and keep gripping him until he’s boneless and sticky.

 

Tanner stays half on top of him, tucking Sebastian’s head into his chest as their breathing slowly levels out. Sebastian stares up at the ceiling, flickering from the candlelight, glassy-eyed and damp from head to toe. 

 

“That was amazing, my love,” Tanner says, squeezing him for a moment. 

 

Sebastian can’t help from laughing, a giddy and sluggish thing. “You could say that.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Rather than immediately answer, Sebastian brought his arms above his head and stretched languidly, humming and nuzzling back against Tanner. “I’m okay.”

 

Just then, on the bedside table, he hears a familiar ringtone coming from his phone.

 

He stiffens, and Tanner notices. “Who is that?”

 

Wordlessly, Sebastian squeezes his hand and shifts over. He grabs the phone, and pauses for a beat before answering. “Mom?”

 

Beside him, he feels Tanner’s body twitch in surprise. He curls up against Sebastian’s side, staying close. 

 

“Hello, Sebastian.” His mom’s soft voice filters through the phone. 

 

If this were any other situation, he would find it both deeply inappropriate and ironic to answer a phone call from his Mormon mother when he had literally just finished having penetrative sex with his boyfriend for the first time. But it had been four months since he’d came to LA, and this was the first time she’d bothered to call. 

 

“What are you up to?” She asks, after a nervous pause. Stilted. She isn’t sure how to do this. 

 

He feels like he should lie, but he’s also not quite the same person he used to be. He shifts. “I’m with Tanner. We had dinner earlier, at a place called House of Meatballs. We're relaxing in his dorm together.”

 

There’s silence on the other end of the line. Finally, she says, “I’m not really sure how to do this. But. Would you be willing to FaceTime me sometime this week?”

 

He frowns. “Do what?” 

 

More silence. Finally, “Apologize. I miss you so much.”

 

Feeling Tanner’s steady, warm breath against his shoulder makes him say, “I’m gay, mom. I love you so much, but I don’t want to come back.” He remembers, like a barely-healed cut being picked open, the nausea he felt when his dad passed around his texts and emails to Tanner around the dinner table. 

 

But quickly, so quickly it surprises him, she says, “I know. I-I don’t want to ask that of you. I don’t. I just miss you, and I,” she takes a breath, “I want to be in your life. Even if it’s just over the phone.”

 

He’s shocked into silence, and tears well in his eyes. Tanner presses a kiss to his free hand. He must stay silent for a moment too long, because his mother adds, “I reached out to Jenna recently. We’ve been…talking.” 

 

What she means is _She’s been talking, and I’ve been listening_. 

 

After a tentative, wobbly goodbye, he places the phone back on the table and turns to let Tanner wrap him up, letting out a deep sigh of exhaustion. Tentatively, Tanner asks, “How did it go?”

 

Sebastian tilts his head up to look at him, well aware they really need to get up at some point and take a shower. Voice steady, he says, “We’re going to FaceTime next week. I know she’s trying, but,” he takes a moment to phrase the next part in his mind, and Tanner lets him. Finally, he says, “I know I’m loved here. I have a place here. I’m not desperate for a place there, anymore. I want to be part of my family, but I won’t cut off parts of myself in order to make myself palatable to them.”

 

Tanner’s eyes shine, and Sebastian smiles shyly. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

“You know why,” Tanner says, and kisses Sebastian’s forehead. “Now get up. We have to do some serious clean-up.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't get these two out of my head, so I'm following up with more!

Sebastian graduates on an unusually cool May afternoon, a semester before Tanner. 

 

As the sun beats down on the top of his cap, he tries and fails to keep his eyes forward, towards the UCLA Dean of English handing out diplomas to students in joyous procession. His peripheral vision keeps catching on Tanner, sitting in the front row with a way-too-big sign. 

 

_ Congrats, my love! _

 

Sebastian feels himself flush again. Four years ago, he would have never let Tanner make a sign like that. It was way too public, though Tanner didn’t put any identifiers on the sign. People could find out who Tanner was, go to his Instagram, see Sebastian in his photos, make assumptions, and then it would be out there. For every person to see. For God to see. And all the while, a part of him, small and hidden, would have thrilled at the idea. 

 

Now, after three years of letting that part of him grow bigger and more confident, he watches Tanner wave the sign around like a madman, and he smiles. Smiles, and blushes, and then tries not to laugh when Tanner accidentally hits Wyatt with the sign. 

 

He lets his eyes trail up the seats, past Tanner and Wyatt, up to where Tanner’s family is sitting. They’re whispering amongst themselves, probably excited to get this over with so that they can go to the restaurant. _We are so proud of you_ , Jenna told him this morning when he and Tanner picked them up from the airport. 

 

Sebastian does not, under any circumstances, look up to the top row of seats. Because that’s where his family was sitting. 

 

His mom had texted him last night. _We will be at your graduation! Top row._

 

Since that first semester at UCLA, he’d built back a relationship with his mom. It wasn’t quite the same as before he came out, but he wasn’t sure if that was because he was openly gay or because of the distance. The growing up. As he listens to the Dean work her way through the A’s and move on the B’s, he tries to remember the last time he’d FaceTimed her. 

 

This was the way of things. How do you stay in contact with people you have nothing in common with anymore? At the end of his first year at UCLA, he’d officially decided to no longer pursue a connection with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He found a good rhythm for himself, attending the inclusive West Hollywood United Church of Christ on some Sundays, and staying home to pray privately other Sundays. Occasionally, he just went out to Sunday brunch with Wyatt and Tanner, no praying included. He felt looser, more peaceful, and, strangely, more spiritual than he’d ever been before. The guilt never hit like it used to. 

 

_It’s funny_ , Wyatt had told him, _what being happy with yourself will do to your relationships with people. And God, too, apparently._

 

“Samantha Brahms,” the Dean called out, and Sebastian has to fight the overwhelming urge to scan for his family’s faces. _His turn is coming up._ He might be on speaking terms with his mom, but that wasn’t the case with everyone. His grandparents had dropped off the face of the Earth, and his eldest sister, Faith, only texted him on his birthday and Christmas. _Growing apart from her has been the worst part_ , he'd told Tanner last month. _There’s only so much you can do_ , Tanner had replied. 

 

So, part of it was not wanting to look up and see that his sister hadn’t come. His mother would be there, and she’d probably brought the youngest two along. Faith was a mystery.

 

And then there was his dad. 

 

His dad would poke his head in during FaceTime calls with his mom, but he would shut down as soon as Sebastian mentioned Tanner. Or anything about UCLA. Or his new non-denominational church. Shut down, as in blatantly get up from the table and leave the room. 

 

So, there it was. Part of Sebastian wants to look up and see his whole family, and part of him wants to look up and just see his mom. Seeing Faith and his dad would mean stress for the rest of the day. 

 

“Sebastian Brother.”

 

He gets up, focusing on the sound of Wyatt and Tanner cheering, his head hurting from trying to not look at Tanner, or his sign, or the top row of seats, while simultaneously wanting to look so very badly. 

 

And then, it’s like he blinks and suddenly the ceremony is over. There’s a leather diploma book in his hand, and Tanner’s arms are around him, and his cap is in Wyatt’s purse. He hears Tanner’s dad saying how proud he is _of the young man that has our son’s heart_ , and Sebastian flushes, and it’s enough to make him forget the whole thing with his family. 

 

That is, until he sees a tall man in grey slacks and a pressed yellow shirt standing by. Sebastian registers him, and then his mom, and he tenses. 

 

“Mom, Dad.” He puts on a bright smile. “I’m so glad you could make it out, but you really didn’t have to.”

 

His mom moves her way through the throng of people until she’s standing next to Jenna, smiling with watery eyes. His dad has an unreadable look on his face, but he’d followed along to stand beside her. “Of course we did, Sebastian,” she says warmly. “Our award-winning novelist just graduated from college.”

 

He’s sure they hated the sequel to his book. If they’d even finished it at all. What had begun as a sanitary fantasy built on Mormon values and clean-cut heroism had morphed into something different. He’d written it during his first summer in Los Angeles, over 500 pages, like a man hell-bent on getting something off his chest that had been suffocating him. The main character goes on a journey of self-discovery, dying and being reborn, falling in love and finding himself on the precipice of something great and terrible all at once. 

 

His first book was about doing what was right, but the sequel was about questioning it. 

 

Tanner’s parents greet his, and Sebastian spots Faith standing back near the seats, looking uncomfortable. It’s so strange seeing her here. He’d become so used to seeing the teenage girls in LA, wearing wild clothes and chokers and rainbow bikinis, that Faith in her modest grey cardigan and khakis is jarring.

 

She glances over at him and, realizing she’s been caught, she gives a tiny wave and an awkward smile. 

 

He feels Tanner lean in, whispering, “Are you okay?”

 

He pauses, weighing his answer. He wants to just say that he’s fine, because he is, but he’s also close to being not okay. It’s one thing to come out to your dad during a party in your honor and then never be in the same physical space with him again but it’s another to actually be looking right at him. The guy who disowned you, but also the guy who taught you to ride a bike. Sebastian settles on a shrug and a half-smile, glancing up at Tanner's concerned expression. 

 

Stiffly, his dad reaches out to shake his hand. As Sebastian grips him, hoping his palm isn’t sweaty enough for his dad to notice, his dad says, “I’m proud of you for graduating, Sebastian.”

 

His heart flutters. Of course, it isn’t lost on him that his dad’s words were chosen carefully. He isn’t proud of him _in general_ , because he isn’t proud of Sebastian’s many other choices. But this. _This_ , he can get behind. 

 

_It’s not enough_ , Sebastian tells himself. _But it’s nice, nonetheless._

 

———————————

 

They have a celebratory dinner at Redbird, an eclectic restaurant on 2nd Street that Tanner had been able to call in a panic as soon as Sebastian’s parents had asked to join them for dinner. 

 

“Do they know how hard it is to add this many people to a reservation same-day?” Tanner had leaned down and asked Sebastian quietly, which made him snort. “I’m just saying, this isn’t Provo. This is downtown LA during grad week, for fuck's sake.” 

 

By the end of the night, he can tell his family is more than ready to go to their hotel outside the city limits and then fly back home first thing in the morning. It's too much. The crowds, the strange people, the traffic, the strange menu, and, most of all, Sebastian himself. 

 

He’s changed. He knows he has. His mom accepts him in theory, but saying she loves him over the phone is very different to saying she loves him while he’s holding his partner’s hand across the table from her. 

 

They say their goodbyes outside the restaurant, with palm trees swaying overhead and his family feeling like friendly acquaintances. His mom kisses him on the cheek, and his dad awkwardly pats him on the back while pointedly keeping his gaze away from Tanner. His youngest siblings hug him, and then, after a pause, Faith hugs him, too. 

 

“This is a cool city,” she says when she pulls away. Another pause. “I’d like to visit sometime this summer?”

 

“Yes,” he says, quickly. He tries not to sound too excited. “We’d love that.”

 

For a second, he’s upset at himself for letting the _we_ thing slip. He and Tanner had decided to move in together last year, in a small apartment near West Hollywood within biking distance of campus, but that wasn’t exactly something he’d been bursting to tell his mom about. 

 

But she barely blinks. Smiling, she flicks her eyes back and forth between him and Tanner. “Cool.”

 

Sebastian, Tanner and Tanner’s family watch them walk away, and he has a stab of worry for them. _Will they manage to get a taxi? Is their hotel safe? Should he—_

 

“They’ll be fine,” Tanner says, wrapping an arm around him. “They’ll text you”

 

————————

 

Later in the night, with Tanner pressed comfortably against his back and his limbs sinking into the bedsheets, Sebastian tries to remember the first time he heard his father deliver sermon. The earliest he can go back to is when he was 4 years old, sitting on his uncle’s lap. He remembers looking up at his father’s passionate, open face, speaking of faith and family and God. 

 

Then he thinks of today. He still has to look up at his father, but just barely, and his father no longer strikes him as an impenetrable figure of moral purity and all-knowing guidance. _He’s not evil, either,_ Sebastian thinks, as Tanner lets out a quiet snuffle against his neck. 

 

The awkward pauses and careful wording showed Sebastian something that morning. His father is just a man. A man who has good qualities, and who taught him to read and who helped him play his GameBoy. But, also, a man who is flawed. A man who has made mistakes, and who outed him to his family and threatened to only love Sebastian conditionally. 

 

Seeing his dad didn’t fill some part of Sebastian that had been missing, like he had expected it to. Hearing his dad say he was proud of him didn’t make him feel complete, and seeing his dad act like Tanner was invisible didn’t cut him to the bone. 

 

_It’s like an exposed nerve healed up_ , Sebastian thinks, _and I didn’t even feel it healing._

 

“If Faith comes to visit this summer,” Tanner suddenly says behind him, and Sebastian almost jumps out of his skin. Tanner pauses his sentence to squeeze his hip. “Damn, calm down. You knew I was back here. Anyway, I was just thinking that if your sister comes to visit, then my sister will want to visit. We need to avoid that at all cost.”

 

Sebastian huffs out a laugh. “I thought you were asleep. I felt you snoring. Also, I like your sister.”

 

“That’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told,” Tanner mumbles, nipping the back of Sebastian’s neck, “and I’m including when you were in the closet. No one likes my sister. And I was just practicing deep-breathing exercises.”

 

“Well, I’m trying to unwind. I’ve had a long day.”

 

“Yes, you have.” Sebastian felt Tanner’s feet tangle with his. “I’m so proud of you.”

 

“You’re so amazing,” Tanner continues, pressing a kiss to his hair. Sebastian flushes, all in a rush. 

 

“Smart.” A squeeze of his hip. 

 

“Eloquent.” A sigh into Sebastian’s ear.

 

“Brave.” A caress of his leg. 

 

“Gay.” Spoken quietly, with care, against the nape of his neck. 

 

“Sebastian.” Tanner weaves his fingers with Sebastian’s, pressing both their hands against Sebastian’s chest, right up against his thumping heart. “My love."


End file.
